Hello, my name is Leo.
To be honest, when I first
joined twitter I hated it. I did not know who to talk to and everyone seemed to
be too serious. I was never among the ‘cool’ kids because I had few followers.
My lack of self esteem due to a low follower count prompted me to take some
action and come up with some ‘Get Re-tweets or die trying’ strategies.
I did it all…. Contributed to
some meaningless trending topic, re-tweeted porn on Titty Tuesday, abused
people, stole jokes and pretended that I had a problem with my handset so that
Safaricom Care would mention me with the infamous ‘Please re-boot your device’
tweet. All these strategies made my follower count rise significantly.
I never seemed to have enough
though. Since I was a lonely soul (a life member of Team Forever Alone) I
decided to invest the time I would have used looking for a partner to tweet. I
had the urge to become relevant on twitter even though deep inside I knew that
my real life sucked.
Twitter became my fantasy
world. I could become anybody I projected to be. I could complain about my car
(which I took on a loan that I am still servicing), twitpic my holiday(which
our company paid
for), criticise the government(even If I was not a registered voter) and
belittle students even if I owned no business of my own.
The approval I got from twitter
was an ego boost. Every day, some kiss ass specialist made me feel like I was
doing something relevant in the world even if I was just a guy in my boxers who
was stealing his neighbor’s wi-fi.
My twitter reputation elevated
my status such that newbie girls thought of me as a cool guy. Since I had a
large follower count I could easily flirt with them. In reality, they were out
of my league but twitter (with the help of photoshop and instagram) made things
much easier for me.
If I was feeling lonely and had
a serious case of insomnia, I would just log in… Tweet about it and voila, my
various crushes would send me some sympathy tweets. I felt like the king(even
though I rarely got phone calls and nobody texted me in real
life).
The discovery of memes was a life-changing experience for me. I
could finally use pictures to deliver funny punch-lines
without being actually funny. I developed a meme suited for every ‘dumb’
question from my followers. The fact that they got re-tweeted much gave me a
sense of belonging in the world (even though I was still in my boxers stealing
wi-fi).
If twitter was to be on my C.V I would describe myself as ‘Avi
zooming specialist, Critic of anything done by anyone with a cause, latest
series watcher, list reading and writing blogger, grammarnazi, Re-tweet
specialist, PhoneOperating System referral,
beauty analyst and fantasy sports team manager( KOT can all manage football
better than wenger).
As we speak, I am still
tweeting and worrying about my rising un-follower count. I am still complaining
about the price of concerts I never planned to attend. I am laughing at people
who make spelling errors. I am referring to people as ‘OOMF’ because deep
inside I am a sissy that’s afraid of confrontation. I am still being less than
productive in the work place. I am using my telephone in traffic because I have
to report ‘Twitter big stick’.
Leo.
For men who
think they can stand up to face any woman, meeting Yao Defen might have them giving this idea a second thought.
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