Citizen TV’s BREAKING news …….. Ah ah

What started as a collection of the funny Citizen TV's news headlines, quickly transformed into a mockery of how often the station gives coverage to its owner SK Macharia. Though in an exaggerated manner, tweeps came up with some of the likely headlines during Citizen TV's news, bringing into life the hash tag #Citizentvbreakingnews. Below are some of the best.

Babu denies ever having told Swaleh Mdoe any of those stories."

Louis the pest dies of malaria!!!"

S K Macharia is buying ice cream.. Vendor: Tell us of the experience.. 

Royal Media Chairman SK now registers as a voter 

S.K. Macharia has just shaved his armpits to go with is fading hairline 

Ole Kiyapi visits a dentist. Stay tuned to follow this life-changing story.

Viewers realize Johnston Mwakazi's accent is FAKE. Alex Chamwada brings you this shocking discovery." 

SK Macharia now changing diapers of his granddaughter. Our senior reporter .......... joins us shortly from his home 

CCK Reduces Calling rates.Stay tuned as Michelle Morgan analyses how this will affect the Call Of Nature. 

S.K Macharia's phone has run out of charge!More to follow 

SK Deletes all his text messages. 

SK donates hair to charity. 

Mwai Kibaki caught on camera playing angry birds in a peace summit

Citizen At 9 anchor Tom Mboya has CBD street named after him. Janet Mbugua is live on the scene. 

Chris Brown is reportedly off twittersphere, Janet mbugua and @WillisRaburu will be live from the US shortly 

Citizen presenters ordered to say "ROR" instead of "LOL". Stay tuned for this and more 

Willis Raburu has finally broken his voice, Alex Chamwada with full story 

The sun to set at 6.23pm and not at 6.21pm as earlier indicated. Details to follow. 

Mama Lucy Kibaki reappears, slaps VP

Gor fans spotted drinking Tusker.Bernand Ndong with the details 

Kamenchu visits the lingerie shop. Will she buy some panties? Stay tuned to find out. 

SK Macharia to receive a honorary degree from Inoorero university for hisservice to Wanjiku. We will be live 

Today, Facebook was a trending topic on Twitter 

Julie Gichuru forgets her handbag in the studio 

S.K Macharia just turned oh his Mahogany bed.No squeaks were heard

An Angry mob kills an adulterous woman in Kiambu. Attempts to reach the adulterous woman for comments were futile. 

S.K Macharia has been spotted brushing his teeth.

Citizen Tv's News chopper blows off Belinda Obura's wig. Mrs Kanene up next with those news.

Source KOT

ROMANCE Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance 
Smart man + dumb woman = affair 
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage 
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit 
Smart boss + dumb employee = production 
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion 
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime 

SHOPPING MATH 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

HAPPINESS 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 

LONGEVITY 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE 

A woman has the last word in any argument. 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Classic 105’s CIKU MUIRURI, Tony GACHOKA, CHARITY Ngilu and UHURU Kenyatta …… The POWERFUL CONNECTION

Tuesday November 27,2012 - Do you remember a time when Narc Presidential hopeful Charity Ngilu and former Prime Minister Raila Odinga’s Protocol Chief Tony Gachoka were  spotted having sex in a car at Nairobi Club? Well…hope you do.

The DAILY POST will reveal the events that have led to Charity Ngilu, Tony Gachoka and his younger sister Ciku Muiruri –who is a radio presenter at Classic 105; join Uhuru Kenyatta’s bandwagon The National Alliance (TNA).

Gachoka and his clandestine lover (Mrs Ngilu) have been seeing each other since the formation of Narc government in the year 2002. When Ngilu parted ways with Kibaki in 2005, the self claimed political strategist followed Ngilu to Raila’s camp and it was until the formation of coalition government in year 2008 that Ngilu begged the Prime Minister Raila Odinga to appoint Gachoka as his Head of Protocol.

Gachoka was given the job by the PM, and the relationship between him and Ngilu became more pronounced even to the public glare. However, in 2011, Gachoka resigned as the the Prime Minister’s Head of Protocol and this is said to have angered Ngilu who months later expressed her dissatisfaction with PM’s leadership - but that was not the reason.

Ngilu wanted to follow her “boy”   to Uhuru’s new outfit, TNA, so that they can be “near” to each other.

Early this year, Ngilu had been making several contacts with the TNA officials so that she can be where her “boyfriend” is.

But successfully, Ngilu managed to enter into an alliance where her lover is a political spinner.

Due to Gachoka’s powerful contacts in politics, he has been assigned an office in the Ministry of Justice and Constitutional affairs without a tag at the door. Mid this year, employees started question his role in the Ministry which he joined immediately Wamalwa was appointed Minister. So that you know that Tony Gachoka oozes more power tha even the Minister, the assistant ministers fear him. He commands employees around the Ministry without even carrying any title.

The relationship between Tony and his sister, Ciku of Classic 105 was thought to be very bad after Tony sold all the inheritance he got from his  father and left the family under God’s mercies but that is not the case. Tony seems to be making amends and has turned that conmanship corner. Gachoka introduced his younger sister Ciku Muiruri to Deputy Prime Minister Uhuru Kenyatta.

Ciku Muiruri, who is famously known for her busted show in Classic 105, was spotted sitting together with Uhuru at the VVIP lounge in Kasarani Indoor Arena during James Ingram’s show in September.

Although Ciku is currently working as a presenter at classic FM, a mole told the DAILY POST that she is also acting as the virtual head of the media teamof Deputy Prime Minister Uhuru Kenyatta. This came after former Capital FM’s radio presenter Eve De’ Souza was rejected for the position in favor of Ciku.

Kiss 100’s CAROLINE MUTOKO - Is she an ODM sympathiser?

Tuesday November 27, 2012 - Last week Kiss 100 morning presenter Caroline Mutoko “allegedly” wrote a satirical master piece to Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto dismissing their presidential bids.

In her letter, Mutoko pin pointed a number of issues that will happen if the two leaders are elected as the fourth President of Kenya.

According to a source who requested anonymity and who works close to the presenter, the ‘article” was written by an Orange Democratic Movement (ODM) strategist with a Mutoko byline.

“Mutoko who is a “master of plagiarism” did not even edit one word in the master piece,” the source said.

The presenter has been associating with the Orange Party secretly, but the source revealed that she has been meeting several ODM bigwigs in secret meetings in Nairobi.

Early this year, Mutoko was appointed as chairperson of Kenya Tourist Development Corporation by Tourism Minister Dan Maanzo who is an ODM pointman at the coast region.

However, High Court blocked her appointment due to the corporate board’s appointment‘s technicalities.

RAILA’s ODM is using him to spread hate on UHURU and RUTO

Wednesday November 28,2012 - Self proclaimed Tech blogger Robert Alai is being used by Orange Democratic Movement ODM) as a “merchant of falsehoods” on the mooted alliance between Deputy Prime Minister Uhuru Kenyatta and  Eldoret North MP William Ruto, DAILY POST has established.

Through his twitter account, Robert Alai is trying all the way to dismiss the inevitable alliance of Uhuru and Ruto.

Alai is even using social media platform to preach hatred against the two leaders, which is against the fundamental rules of journalism.

In one of his tweet on Wednesday afternoon, Robert Alai tweeted a message which does not meet the ethics of professional journalism and which can be termed as hate speech by Kibunjia led commission.

“Uhuru will give Ruto UKIMWI in his affair where he is not sticking to one partner.”

One of his tweets reads.

Alai is said to be on an ODM payroll to spread fear and antagonize the opponents of the Orange Party. His tirades have always been directed at Uhuru, Ruto, Wamalwa, Shebesh, Ngilu and any other force that comes up against ODM.